A Call to Arms


A Call to Arms by Shade 14 years ago, I stopped trusting my milk. Something had struck me as...odd regarding the white stuff my mother had me drink all my life. Although the bright cardboard cartons in the refrigerator had to be replenished regularly, the supply of milk coming from my own cup was seemingly inexhaustible. No matter how sure I was that I'd drunk the last drop, setting my cup down for five minutes caused it to begin to fill again. While trying to explain this phenomenon in my highly controversial pamphlet, "How Now, Brown Cow?" using conventional theories dealing with cohesion and the subsequent gathering of milk from the sides to the bottom of my cup, I stumbled upon the inevitable truth: cows were emitting their milk directly into the atmosphere. This milk then combined with trace amounts in seemingly empty glasses to form an increasing volume of liquid milk. That was when I realized that cows were out to get me. As you will see, however, this is only one of many examples of abuse the bovine population has perpetrated against human beings. Ladies and gentlemen, in the words of environmentalist Jeremy Rifkin, "Cows are hoofed locusts." We must cease our apathy toward these slovenly creatures, and we must see them for what they really are: a deadly menace. As a food source, cows are inefficient at best. To produce one pound of lettuce requires 21 gallons of water. To produce one pound of white rice requires 401 gallons of water. A pound of chicken: 660 gallons. But to produce one pound of beef requires 2,464 gallons of water! The feed-to-product ratio in comparison to other animals is just as bad. You only have to feed a fish 1.6 pounds of feed to get one pound of fish product. A hog only requires 4.0 pounds of feed to oink up a pound of pork. But the ravenous cow requires over twice as much, 9.0 pounds, to produce one pound of beef. Even more troublesome are cows' abuses toward the environment. Coal mining releases 35 million tons of methane into the atmosphere each year. Gas drilling releases 45 million tons a year. Cows, however, release 60 million tons of methane into our atmosphere each year. Some cows have been able to sustain a flame solely by the power of their own flatulence. This can contribute mightily to global warming as well as introduce another threat to our well-being: cows have, in rare instances, been known to explode (!) without warning due to methane buildup within their stomachs. As noted by esteemed journalist Dave Barry, if such a cow were to fall into the wrong hands, it would not be detected by conventional airline security devices, and could become an accomplice in a new wave of terroristic activities. Grazing practices also disrupt our environment and food chain. Latin American rain forests are being chopped for grazing land. In less prosperous countries such as Egypt and Mexico, farmland that formerly produced food crops is now being shifted to the production of cattle feed--and only the upper classes of these countries can afford to buy beef. But the bottom line is that none of us can really afford beef--or cows--or even milk. In a final crushing blow to bovine dominance over our lives, Dr. Benjamin Spock has publicly denounced cow milk, claiming that its value to humans has been overrated, as it is produced for young cows, and not young people. Our course is clear: disentangle ourselves from this insidious relationship before we become even more ignorant to the dangers of these herbivorous assailants. Our reliance on beef is one of the most unproductive food relationships in existence. Our suicidal love affair with cows can only lead us to one place--the slaughterhouse.

A Call to Arms
by Shade

14 years ago, I stopped trusting my milk. Something had struck me as...odd regarding the white stuff my mother had me drink all my life. Although the bright cardboard cartons in the refrigerator had to be replenished regularly, the supply of milk coming from my own cup was seemingly inexhaustible. No matter how sure I was that I'd drunk the last drop, setting my cup down for five minutes caused it to begin to fill again. While trying to explain this phenomenon in my highly controversial pamphlet, "How Now, Brown Cow?" using conventional theories dealing with cohesion and the subsequent gathering of milk from the sides to the bottom of my cup, I stumbled upon the inevitable truth: cows were emitting their milk directly into the atmosphere. This milk then combined with trace amounts in seemingly empty glasses to form an increasing volume of liquid milk. That was when I realized that cows were out to get me. As you will see, however, this is only one of many examples of abuse the bovine population has perpetrated against human beings. Ladies and gentlemen, in the words of environmentalist Jeremy Rifkin, "Cows are hoofed locusts." We must cease our apathy toward these slovenly creatures, and we must see them for what they really are: a deadly menace. As a food source, cows are inefficient at best. To produce one pound of lettuce requires 21 gallons of water. To produce one pound of white rice requires 401 gallons of water. A pound of chicken: 660 gallons. But to produce one pound of beef requires 2,464 gallons of water! The feed-to-product ratio in comparison to other animals is just as bad. You only have to feed a fish 1.6 pounds of feed to get one pound of fish product. A hog only requires 4.0 pounds of feed to oink up a pound of pork. But the ravenous cow requires over twice as much, 9.0 pounds, to produce one pound of beef. Even more troublesome are cows' abuses toward the environment. Coal mining releases 35 million tons of methane into the atmosphere each year. Gas drilling releases 45 million tons a year. Cows, however, release 60 million tons of methane into our atmosphere each year. Some cows have been able to sustain a flame solely by the power of their own flatulence. This can contribute mightily to global warming as well as introduce another threat to our well-being: cows have, in rare instances, been known to explode (!) without warning due to methane buildup within their stomachs. As noted by esteemed journalist Dave Barry, if such a cow were to fall into the wrong hands, it would not be detected by conventional airline security devices, and could become an accomplice in a new wave of terroristic activities. Grazing practices also disrupt our environment and food chain. Latin American rain forests are being chopped for grazing land. In less prosperous countries such as Egypt and Mexico, farmland that formerly produced food crops is now being shifted to the production of cattle feed--and only the upper classes of these countries can afford to buy beef. But the bottom line is that none of us can really afford beef--or cows--or even milk. In a final crushing blow to bovine dominance over our lives, Dr. Benjamin Spock has publicly denounced cow milk, claiming that its value to humans has been overrated, as it is produced for young cows, and not young people. Our course is clear: disentangle ourselves from this insidious relationship before we become even more ignorant to the dangers of these herbivorous assailants. Our reliance on beef is one of the most unproductive food relationships in existence. Our suicidal love affair with cows can only lead us to one place--the slaughterhouse.

Last updated at 14:21 on Tuesday, August 8, 2000